[SEALED SECTION]: A Sexologist Reveals The Most Common Questions She Gets Asked

Question 1: I Can’t Orgasm – Am I Broken?
“You are not broken, and you are very, very normal. According to studies, between 10-15% of women have never orgasmed, and many more find it impossible or very difficult to orgasm in certain situations (such as with a partner). There are all sorts of reasons why this happens, and none of them have anything to do with your body being ‘broken’ or in need of ‘fixing’. With the right stimulus, context and headspace, you can teach your body new tricks. It often takes time, patience, practice, and a big dose of sex-positive education!”

“It might sound counterintuitive, but my first piece of advice is to remove the goal of orgasm and instead make pleasure your goal. Learn to enjoy the journey, not just the destination. This will help remove the frustration and pressure you might be putting on yourself and instead allow you to focus on what is feeling good. “

“Avoid the temptation of faking orgasms, and instead, find your voice. Get more confident asking for what you want and go out and learn about your pleasure anatomy. Masturbate mindfully, and remember arousal takes time to build. Put yourself in a relaxed frame of mind – pressure is not sexy! I would strongly recommend booking some sessions with a Sexologist as we will help you work out what is going on for you, hear your story, and give you the education, support and tools you might need.”

Question 2: Will My Sex Drive Ever Come Back?
“A change in sex drive is something that most people will experience at some point in their lifetimes because our desire for sex is not fixed. It changes for many reasons. Some of these are physical (e.g. hormone changes), and many are emotional/mental (e.g. stress). The good news is it’s not completely outside our control – there are things we can do to increase our desire, orgasmicity and arousal.”

“According to sex educator and author Emily Nagoski, there are two types of desire; spontaneous and responsive. They are both very healthy and normal. Spontaneous desire tends to happen more during new relationships and when we are younger. It’s that feeling of being ‘in the mood’ and immediately wanting sex. Responsive desire is much more common, although we don’t consider it as much. It’s where we need more stimulus in order to want or desire sex. For example, after a 30 minute massage or a long passionate kiss.”

“For responsive desire to thrive, we need the right context, headspace and stimulus (these are our sexy accelerators). Sexologists help people identify their sexual brakes (things like stress, tiredness, low self-confidence, conflict, poor mental health etc.) and their sexual accelerators (things like moving their body, dancing, a certain smell, getting compliments, crushing it at work). When enough accelerators are present, it can trigger responsive desire.”

Question 3: Why Does Sex Hurt Sometimes?
“If you are experiencing painful sex, please see a health professional. It is often treatable and could be caused by an underlying physical health condition. Painful sex can also be caused if you are not getting desirable or pleasurable touch or you're going too quickly. Desire and arousal take time to build! Arousal changes everything – it increases the blood flow into your pelvis, genitals and erectile tissues and makes everything feel better and more sensitive. Erectile tissue filling up with blood happens in both penis and vulvas, but it just takes the vulva and clitoris longer (up to 30 minutes, so take your time!).”

“For people with vulvas, the round ligament in the pelvis lifts your cervix up and out of the way when you are aroused, meaning deeper penetration feels more pleasurable. Amazing! Plus, if you get periods, your menstrual cycle also impacts what sex can feel like throughout the month. For example, when you are near the end of your cycle (just before your period), your cervix sits lower, so deeper penetration might be painful or uncomfortable.”

“Arousal can also double your pain tolerance! So go slowly, use lubrication, and remember sex should never feel painful. This is why sexual communication is important, and learning how to listen to your body.”

Question 4: Is Passion Possible In Long-Term Relationships?
“Yes! But it takes work. Love is not enough. We must prioritise our relationships as lovers – not just committed life partners. Although most people crave the stability and comfort of ‘feeling like a team’, an element of separateness is essential for a hot sex life. As Belgian psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel says, “when two become one – connection can no longer happen.” Sex Therapist Jack Morin created an erotic equation. He said that Arousal = Attraction + Obstacles, meaning attraction alone isn’t enough to build arousal. We need some form of tension or newness.”

“Think back to the hottest sex or fantasy you’ve ever had. Did it involve some newness or novelty? Such as a new partner, a novel setting, or a new fantasy? In the early stages of a relationship, there are naturally lots of obstacles and newness. In long-term relationships, it’s our job to mindfully cultivate passion and inject novelty into the relationship ourselves. Foreplay isn’t something we do before sex – it must become the entire relationship. Learn how to speak each other’s love languages and how to help trigger each other's desire for sex.”

Question 5: Will A Vibrator Desensitise Me?
“Vibrators are amazing at giving people new sensations and ways to build pleasure and arousal in the body. They are fun, feel great, and inject a lot of pleasure and novelty into the bedroom. There is no evidence that they ‘desensitise’ our nerve-endings (even the more powerful ones), so go for gold! That said, just like any erotic tool, if you use the same stimulus every time you want to build arousal, your body might rely on one very specific type of stimulus. Over time, you might not be able to reach the same level of pleasure without it.”

“With sex and pleasure, I always recommend variety. Mix up your self-pleasure routine with new toys, positions, and fantasies, and go manual from time to time using just your fingers. This will teach your body and nervous system lots of different ways to feel pleasure.”